It's not so hot on my yacht

Vote or die? It's all the same to me.

2008-11-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not voting.

Call me ignorant. Go ahead. I know you want to. Call me uninformed or lazy or whatever. It's cool. There's a little comment button down there. Don't just yell it at your screen, let me know.

Better yet, why don't you provide me with One Good Reason® why I should vote? I don't mean some biased propaganda pertaining only to whom I should vote for, but rather get me out there to voice my opinion (see also: a drop of water in a lake on a distant planet in a distant galaxy).

I'm looking for one concrete reason why I should vote. I've been told it's very important that every single person vote. People like Leonardo DiCaprio and Susan Sarandon stress it to death. So I'm sure someone on the Internet can come up with a reason. No?

Points of interest: I do not complain about the political climate of the United States. I have not noticed a single change in my life that can be attributed directly to who was in office at the time it happened. Also: I'm extremely open to considering every comment I receive, but I may refute them.

So come on, people. This is your chance to really make a difference. From what I can tell based on advertisements and popular opinion, the power of one vote is immeasurable. So this is your chance to really do something that can help shape the future of the country.

And... go!

Are you fucking serious? Re: "The RIAA"

2007-11-14T15:14:00.000-08:00

I don't check my email that often as I don't care how big my penis is or how funny dogs look in costumes. My weekly email check today, however, turned up a questionable message from "The RIAA" (or so they purport). After I fired off my angry email, I found out that it was, in fact, a 14 year old boy that sent the original message. How lol. The following is the current log of activity:

piracy@riaa.org writes:

"Dear registered user of the site What.cd,

We have recently been investigating the activities of the users of the
site http://www.what.cd/ and we have found that this site exists for the
sole purpose of music piracy.

Pirating music is a criminal offence and we believe it should be obvious
to you that the results outweigh the benefits - hard working artists
won't be rewarded for their work and will stop producing music,
ultimately leading to a severely reduced selection of music both in the
shops and for download.

The RIAA had hoped that the disabling by the police of the large illegal
music site, Oink.cd, would stop a lot of people from engaging in piracy,
as they don't want to be seen as criminals. However, this appears to
not be the case, as two large new sites have sprung up in its place.

This email is the final warning to all of you who were members of
Oink.cd and are current members of What.cd. If we find you to be
committing any more criminal acts of piracy then we will have to press
charges against you, as representatives of the major record companies of
America.

Yours Faithfully,

The RIAA"

I respond:

"I sincerely hope that this is a joke. If it is not, however: in future
threats, I would appreciate if you would
not attempt to play the "artist's best interest" card as it is clearly
fallacious. Numerous tests have shown
that the fraction that artists receive in revenue from their record
sales is beyond minimal. Any true "artist"
as you say would rather their "art" be shared by the community freely
and without disadvantage based on
income or social standing. Also, I sincerely doubt that downloading
and sharing of music is going to cause
artists to stop making it. It might make big businesses like yours go
down the proverbial toilet.. but, honestly,
who cares?
If, for example, an individual working a minimum wage job and
attempting to support themselves (or
others for that matter) would like to listen to music (you know, an
intangible and conceptual collection
of sounds) then they shouldn't be denied simply because they cannot
afford it. I assure you I have
never downloaded or distributed music created for the sole purpose of
financial gain. I have absolutely
no interest in such music as I do not find it enjoyable or worthwhile
to even listen to-- let alone share it
with others.
I feel no harm in responding to you and telling you that I frequently
download music by artists that are
not under your blanket of control. I'm sure that, although you
_definitely_ have the artist's interests in
mind, you could probably not care less at all about the music that I
listen to as it does not at all interfere
with your profit margins. I'm sure that if I had the ridiculous
volumes of capital that your company and its
investors have, I would purchase records. Unfortunately, not everyone
is blessed with the financial freedom
that I'm sure you are more than accustomed to.

Also, if this _is_ the RIAA, you may want to run a spell-check of some
sort as you misspelled "offense."

Yours criminally,

Fuck You"

As much as I had hoped I could have an email fight with the RIAA, it appears it was not meant to be. I can only hope some day somewhere the RIAA cracks down on me for downloading that 128kbps rip of Barbie Girl by Aqua.

New drug scare: shit.

2007-10-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

There's a new fad coming to a town near you! It's all about huffing poop.

Seriously.

It's called Jenkem and all the cool kids are doing it. Well, they might be calling it something clever like Winnie, Leroy Jenkems, or Butthash (no joke here, either), but it's all the same. It's made by fermenting feces and urine in a bottle (takes a day or so) with a balloon attached to the top.

Upon fermentation, the balloon is removed and the contents are inhaled. Users immediately pass out to wake up a short time later under the effects of a pretty powerful hallucinogen. Often times explaining that they commune with the dead while under its effects (!!). It's also reported that subjects feel "out of it" for some time thereafter.. and that their mouth tastes like poo-poo and pee-pee for just as long :(

The trend apparently started in Zambia and is supposedly spreading to all corners of the world. Are we really that desperate for a high that we are going to huff days old poop? How long will it take before this becomes a party drug? People passing around poop-balloons on plates and passing out only to wake up to the most incredible poop-induced mindfuck ever? This is scary.

References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenkem
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2671191
http://www.heptune.com/poop.html

This picture:

Do You Smoke? U Got To Read This...

2007-10-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

Breaking news from the Internet: smoking is bad for you.

Honestly. Does anyone who smokes not know this? Perhaps if you went back in time 50 years you would find someone who didn't know that smoking was bad for you.

Actually, while you're at it can you take that annoying Whudafxup guy with you? I'm sick of seeing his stupid ass on my TV looking like a puffer-fish and likening cigarettes to bullets. Thanks for getting smoking banned everywhere, asshole. Wouldn't you rather spend your time finding more "hip threads" at some vintage clothes shop instead of getting more of our already waning freedoms thrown out the window?

Does it really bother you when I smoke a cigarette? It's funny, because I actually wish you were dead.

Please, allow me to ruin Back to the Future 2 for you.

2007-10-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

Arguably everyone's favorite of the trilogy, Back to the Future part 2 is an exciting tale of time travel that puts our beloved characters Doc Brown and Marty McFly in the year 2015 ( eight years from now, btw :( ). Only problem is, it could never happen.

( My friend Brent discovered this and ruined it for me, so now I am going to pass it along to you ;) )

As we've seen demonstrated in the first (and even the second!) films, when the time machine is used to travel into the future, it travels into the future of the current quantum time line. Because of this, there is no way any of the characters could ever meet their future selves. When they leave 1985 and go 30 years into the future, they should arrive in a 2015 without them in it.

Think of it along the same lines as when they arrived in 1985A, the alternate reality of 1985. When Doc Brown picked them up and left 1985 (in the beginning of the film), the would arrive in (technically) 2015A, an alternate reality where Marty, Doc, and Jennifer are not present. This phenomenon is also not explained by the ripple effect, as the ripple effect only occurs when future events are presently being changed in the past. Once you travel to the future, all of the changes are already made. (Scientifically, the ripple effect is caused by quantum realities collapsing upon themselves to form the true reality that is to result.)

Using the logic of meeting their future selves, when Einstein traveled one minute into the future in the first film, he should have encountered himself one minute older. This, of course, didn't happen. So why should it be any different when traveling 30 years?

The most common argument against this claim is that because they intended to go back, they went to the future of their fate.. as in the future that was determined for them. As Doc himself said, however, "Your future is not yet written." I believe this throws that argument out the window.

As one last thought experiment, imagine that you have a time machine. Your friend sees you travel to the future and has a mental breakdown and locks himself in a closet refusing to come out until you return. When you arrive in the future.. say 20 minutes.. he would still be locked in the closet, because that is the future of the reality that you left. If, however, you then come back to the point right after you originally left and get your friend out of the closet and then go secretly travel 20 minutes into the future, you would not find your friend in the closet. That is because you have altered the chain of events that cause the future you are traveling to.

All-in-all I still love the Back to the Future films. Even BTTF 2. It's just something that bothers me whenever I see it now :(.

Hammerdin IRL

2007-10-26T02:15:00.000-07:00

Proof positive that not all the Hammerdins on Battle.net are bots.

Something's Fishy: A Ramble on the Ethics of Piracy

2007-10-25T00:43:00.000-07:00

A major torrent tracker gets shut down (RIP OiNK.cd). The owner is jailed. The users are threatened. The facts are jumbled. People are pissed. "Record sales are down." Record labels are still richer than I will ever conceivably be (even if you could somehow combine all the money I've ever made in every possible quantum dimension). A specific arrangement of 1s and 0s on your hard drive can net you time behind bars.

If I could somehow arrange these statements into a picture, there is not a person on Earth who could look at it without tilting their head and popping big, comical, animated "?"s out of their brain.

So what the hell is going on?

Allow me to paint you a picture. But first, sit back, buckle in.. do whatever other clichéd action you deem appropriate... and while you're at it, grab some Tums. This is probably going to take a while and sit a little uneasy in your tummy.

First thing's first (this one goes out to all the people who use bittorrent or other similar p2p software): before you complain about police shutting down torrent trackers or people being arrested for illegally sharing files, please take a step back and realize that although you disagree with the law-- it is still the law. When people break the law and get caught, they get punished (usually).
Also, realize that although some servers get shut down and some people incarcerated, it is still very possible for you to get something for free which you are not supposed to.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on to our fine feathered friends in big buildings with cold, iron fists and even colder, even more iron-er hearts.

Follow me as I wax metaphoric with a story so dripping with pathos you will need seven mops to parry the pathos puddle. This story involves not only children, ... but sad children. Read on.

Imagine, if you will, a large orphanage. Inside this orphanage there are two babies (awww). One of these babies is playing with a toy his mother bought him for his birthday. Awww. It's noteworthy to point out that this baby is having a great time. The other baby happens to notice the first baby loving the hell out of his toy and has this great idea of a fun game to play with it.

Just as instantly as this great idea manifests in the baby's brain, an Alien from a distant galaxy descends upon Earth. The Alien points his ray gun at the toy and BAM! Suddenly, there are two toys. The first baby senses the second baby's desire to enjoy the prospects of the toy, so he gives him the Alien's copy of the toy.

The second baby is immediately overwhelmed with joy! You see, this second baby comes from a .. less-than-wealthy family. They've never really been able to afford toys for the baby and now, free from all exclusion based on social status, this baby could enjoy a simple pleasure in life. And just as soon as the baby begins to play with the toy, a large faceless man in an expensive suit barrels in and slaps the toy out of the baby's hand and puts him in timeout for a few years.

Now. Granted the above story was a little (read: very) underhanded and slightly extreme. Does that mean the scenario is not reasonably analogous to the current state of p2p file sharing (at least in terms of software)?

Technology comes along that seems to even the playing field (well, sort of) for the not-so-privileged .. at least in terms of creative possibilities. Realistically most people in major countries have computers. Few people can afford to spend $500 on a bloated piece of branded software in order to improve their work flow.

Take for instance music production. An aspiring producer can not necessarily afford a $300-$2000 mixing board. That same producer can not afford even $100 software to emulate a mixing board. Yet, this aspiring producer has this yearning to produce music. So how? He dons some sunglasses, a trench coat, and some latex gloves. He enters the dark, seedy black market of the Internet and downloads the software illegally.

Uh oh.

Now, this aspiring producer has no intention to create music to sell to a big label. Or even to commercialize his music at all. He wants to record music for free, and let people listen to it for free. Where is the crime? The only noticeable change in the system as far as I can tell is a small break down of social stratification. Why should only wealthy people.. or even middle class people be allowed to do what they love with their life?

Let's take a short break from the ramble and grab something to drink... I'll wait for you.

Here's a little something to lighten the mood ;)

Of course, the obvious rebuttal to this is that software downloads remove that essential element that keeps the world spinning: dolla dolla bills y'all. I cannot be expected to believe, however, that professional businesses do not pay (and out the ass) for the software they use. Why? Because it is usually a worthy investment.

In the above example, though, the producer purchasing the mixing software would be a considered a failed investment. A big corporation gets some extra money and the person who gave it to them makes nothing back in return.

Who in their right mind would want to do that?

"Well, if he's so serious about producing music, why doesn't he just sell some of it?"

Who said that? Uh.. well. Considering the current business model of the music industry, would you really want to do that? If so, I've got a deal for you!

Here's the break down:

I'll give you some money. You then have to commit to coming up with some way of making me a lot more money than I gave you. Whatever you come up with will be considered mine in terms of intellectual property. Probably until long after we're both dead. Now, when I get the money you made me I'll give you some of it.. but never more than I keep. Uh.. you can be on TV or whatever too..

Sweet deal, eh? Feel free to send me an email.. or just go ahead and paypal me some money and send me half of your life's work for me to profit off of.

You can call me "record label." Of course, Radiohead, and Nine Inch Nails are leaving their record labels.. so who needs record labels then anyway? Well. Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails did. And if they hadn't been on a record label that had the connections to get them heard, they would still be releasing their albums for free on the Internet.. only without the bank account to swim in or the notoriety to sell other merchandise. (Unless, of course, they downloaded any of their software- in which case they might be in jail.)

Besides, who wouldn't want a record label to fight for the right to maintain your ideas as their own and keep all the money they sue out of unlucky people to use to.. sue other unlucky people. What a dream!

So, what does this all boil down to? Nothing. Record labels and movie studios and software giants are probably never going to die. And those who refuse to allow the flow of information to be gated by the shackles of money or social standing will probably never stop freeing all this data. So, forever and ever either side of this debate will probably just keep attempting to undermine the others. Only difference being, the big corporations will consistently win.

I mean, after all.. record sales and movie revenues are declining by the hundreds of thousands because of these "cyber-criminals"! Now the big record labels and movie studios are only making millions more than you ever will, rather than billions. It's really a shame. Why don't we all shed a tear for these defenders of truth, justice, and the American way? Go ahead. I'm right there with you.

Frankenstein Sickness

2007-10-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Holy crap

2007-10-22T18:14:00.001-07:00

The Top Ten Reasons Internet Top Ten Lists are Bullshit

2007-10-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

10. People who make top ten lists are assholes

Who died and made you king of the Internet? No one. That's who. So why the fuck should your opinion be the alpha and omega of opinions? Next time you get the inkling to make a top 10 list, just put it to better use and jack yourself off.

9. 50% of them are totally wrong

Wow, way to go. Not only did you decide to be the king asshole judge of my life, but then you went and made your list like an idiot. Stick to searching for porn on yahoo, stupid-ass.

8. 50% of them are obviously right

Alright... so you've taken the initiative and enumerated something I already knew about something I probably don't care about anyway. Want to be friends? Just kidding.

7. Some sites thrive on them and that's sad

Sites like CRACKED have created an entire website based on top 10 lists. Effectively taking an organizational tool and turning it into ill-gotten profit. Way to be a fuckhole.

6. 10 is often times too many

"Well.. I could only think of 4 good Adam Sandler movies.. but.. aww shit.. imdb.com"

5. 10 is often times too few

"Hmm.. I can think of a lot of good songs.. but I can only use 10.. I wish I wasn't a moron :("
Side note: Honorable mentions are a fucking copout and you know it.

4. They are a desperate ploy for hits/friends

Every single top 10 list you'll ever read are non-controversial and strategically created to be so. They are also specifically designed to attract hits like a moron magnet. Want proof? Go make a top 10 NES games list. You don't even have to think about it, just put Zelda, Super Mario 1 and 3, Metroid, Ninja Gaiden, Contra, and Final Fantasy somewhere on there and BAM! You's gots Internets friends!

3. It's been done before

I guarantee you, 90% of anything you could ever think of making a list of has had a list made about it before. So next time you want to make a list of top 10 Magic: The Gathering cards, just write it on a piece of paper and give it to your friends so you can nerd-fight or suck each others' dicks or whatever.

2. I'm not you, dickhead

My method of ranking things differs from yours. Sorry. Why don't you keep your top 10 list in your own fucking head? You can shelf it right in between your fantasies of having a meaningful life and finding a cure for backhair.

1. Any fucking idiot can make one

...and I'm living proof! Go ahead and make a top 10 list, but don't be offended when no one gives a shit.

Interview with Star Wars Kid

2007-10-21T01:24:00.000-07:00

I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with fading Internet star, Star Wars kid. He had a lot to tell me about his rise to fame and the bittersweet taste of Internet super-stardom.

When I entered his garage, I saw not the jovial kid we came to love so many years ago- but rather, a shell of a man.. unkempt and chain-smoking cheap cigarettes. He wore garish dark sunglasses and appeared to have just shaved his entire head.

KaB0b0: "Hello, thanks for talking with us today!"

Star Wars Kid: "Yeah..."

K: "So, I gotta ask: how does it feel to have been so famous.. to have been internationally known?"

SWK: "Well, I must say.. it was great while it lasted. Unfortunately, in such an image-conscious business, it wasn't meant to last very long.. it's like an emotional rollercoaster. When you're high you're so high.. but then you crash down pretty fast."

K: "What do you mean?"

SWK: "The executives that are making these Internet fads are always looking for younger and prettier subjects.. you look at me and sure.. I could stand to lose some weight.. I'm no Chris Crocker or Crazy Frog Brothers, but I had heart! I just kind of feel that Internet memes today just aren't trying anymore. Where's the talent, you know.. the dedication?"

K: "Aren't you being a little ridiculous? I mean, I'm sure the fact that some of the newer memes are 'prettier' is just a coinci-"

SWK: "No. It's bullshit. These kids were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. It's just not fair. They take a picture and put some words on it? I work my ass off day and night perfecting my lightsaber moves. Not to mention effectively destroying any chance I have of dating ever .. ever."

K: "You honestly expect us to believe your stint as an Internet meme didn't net you any groupies?"

SWK: "Of course it did! But it was so short-lived.. one look at [Internet fad Tay] Zonday and they were off drinking his 'Chocolate Rain' by the jugfull. I heard that some of them even ended up with that 'mudkipz' faggot. What the fuck is that? He didn't even make anything! He just said something stupid about a Pokemon!"

(SWK notices my camera and starts swishing his cigarette around like a sword)

K: "Please just stop. So, can we expect to hear anything more from 'Star Wars Kid'?"

SWK: "Well, I've been working on some newer Lord of the Rings Material. Other than that I have some cross-over ideas I've been experimenting with."

K: "I assume you're referring to the images that have been leaked of you with funny cats and funny, funny sayings. How do you feel about the Internet already playing the sell-out card based on these leaks?"

SWK: "LOL. They don't even know what I'm going to do with those! I'll bet they think they do.. but they don't.. I have bigger plans.. .."

(At this point, SWK begins crying)

K: "You were going to upload them to lolcats, weren't you?"

SWK: "Turn that tape off! (sobs) This fucking interview is over!"

At this point, the interview had to be cut short because I felt uncomfortable watching Star Wars Kid do lines of coke. I got even more uncomfortable when the coke clumped up around his nostrils because it was wet with his tears.

Stay tuned for more.

BLM guide for FFXI ^^

2007-10-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

So you've just bought your 75BLM/37WHM Tarutaru Male and now you're left with that inevitable question: "wha?" >.>

Well, allow me to alleviate your woes with this all-inclusive guide to partying it up BLM style! <.< Just open your macros screen and add:

/ma "Thunder IV"
/heal
/wait 25
/heal
/party lol
/panic motion

Now that we have our skill macro, we need to go find some friends.. unfortunately we can't buy those from eBay (yet) ._.

All this requires is hanging around Bastok or any of the starting cities and asking people for "linkpearls." Once that is out of the way, it's time to find a party to impress. ^^
You're going to be doing this a lot, so you might want to save this macro:

/sh BLM75 LOOKING FOR PARTY
/panic motion

Now, whenever you're looking for a party you can just bang on CTRL+1 or whatever. ^^

More to come... =^..^=

Officials agree: Puddenhead is a bad dog

2007-10-21T00:29:00.000-07:00

Reportedly, everyone's favorite "bad dog" Puddenhead has hacked into the Internet and is causing mischief on a grand scale.

When reached for comment, the Internet had this to say:

"meh."

More to come as the story develops.

John Mellencamp 10/07/1951 - 10/21/2007

2007-10-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

John "Cougar" Mellencamp found dead today at 56 in his hotel room.
Cause of death is officially cited as Chili Dog Overdose. More news after this message from Chili Dogs.

Many of those close to John had seen this coming for some time-- at least since the writing of his hit song "Jack and Diane", which included the following lyrics:

"Suckin' on chili dogs outside the tasty freeze."

It is a lyric that passes by the general audience with little impact. To John, however, he considered the writing of that specific line to be a moment of clarity. Friends and family report that, while they were once embarassed to discuss it, John felt that he had uncovered an ancient metaphysical truth about the world. He argued that all things we know were either Chili or Dog. It was this carefully balanced dichotomy that kept, for example, the Earth on its axis- or the oceans flowing.

He went on to determine that if one subsisted on solely perfect yin-and-yang-like balances of these two forces, one could achieve eternal life.

It was after Chili Dog #29 that his spiritual hypothesis was debunked.

He will be missed.